Sunday, September 27, 2009

Week 3: What Happened?

Today we start our new feature, "What to say to a dude"! Below each game summary, there are actual quotes to "say to a dude" or anyone else you are trying to converse with in regards to this lovely sport. Enjoy! And please, try them out and report back...I'd LOVE to hear what the dudes say back!

SAN FRANCISCO 49ers VS. MINNESOTA VIKINGS:

Ok, first things first. Everyone will be talking about the catch by WR Greg Lewis from QB Brett Favre in the final seconds of the game. Review it here. No, really--go watch it now! I'll wait.

Notice up at the top of the screen, SF was up 24-20 with only a couple seconds to go in the 4th quarter. Keep watching and Brett Favre chucks the ball waaaaaaaaaaay down the field and into the hands of Lewis. His foot barely stays inside the line and he gets the touchdown. Notice that when he gets up everyone is watching the referees because it was such a close call. The Niners are visibly pissed when the TD is called. (And then it sounds like fireworks go off? Weird.) The Vikings are still undefeated.

What to say to a dude:
"So how 'bout that last drive by Brett Favre? Crazy, right?!?!"
"That last play was insane...I jumped right off the couch and spilled my Bud Lite!"
.................................................................................

DETROIT LIONS VS. WASHINGTON REDSKINS:
DETROIT FINALLY WON A GAME. Thank God.

What to say to a dude:
"Detroit finally won a game. Thank God."
..................................................................................

NE PATRIOTS VS. ATLANTA FALCONS:
Tom Brady's Patriots beat the Falcons. They managed to get 2 touchdowns. Once again, their kicker kicked ass by kicking 4 field goals. Good thing they have that kicker! His name is Stephen Gostkowski. I'll bet Tom Brady sends him a Christmas card this year.

What to say to a dude:
"Looks like Brady still isn't 100% recovered after his knee injury last year. I mean, I know they won and all, but he isn't looking too hot this year."
"Fred Taylor (Patriots) sure had a good game for being an over-the-hill running back, don't you think?"
..................................................................................

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES VS. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS:
The Philly Eagles won. QB Kevin Kolb threw for 391 yards and 2 TDs. Vick played, but only for a few plays (11 total). They're gradually introducing him back into the game--I'm guessing it's because 18 months in jail probably makes you a tad rusty.

What to say to a dude:
"So what do you think about Vick--think he'll be as strong as he used to?"
....and if he asks, "Well, what do YOU think about Vick? You say.....
"Well, they barely played him so it was hard to tell."
....................................................................................

NEW YORK JETS VS. TENNESSEE TITANS:
The Jets beat the Titans. The Jets are now undefeated with a rookie head coach, Rex Ryan--our favorite fan calling comic book villain--and rookie QB Mark Sanchez. Sanchez became the first rookie quarterback to start a season and win in his first three games. Rex Ryan is now one of only two Jets coaches to win their first three games.

What to say to a dude:
"How about that Mark Sanchez... He's the only rookie QB who's ever led the Jets to an undefeated 3-0 start, right?"
Advanced: "That Rex Ryan sure is something--being the only Jets coach ever to win the first three games of the season like that. NO, wait...I'm sorry, I'm forgetting about Al Groh in the 2000 season. How silly of me!"
............................................................................................

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS VS. BUFFALO BILLS:
Saints QB Drew Brees only an OK game, but the Saints still won--beating WR Terrell Owens' Bills. T.O. hasn't caught a ball in forever and to add insult to injury, he got hit right in the face and chest by a full bucket of popcorn thrown from someone in the stands as he was heading inside after the game.

What to say to a dude:
"When do you think we're gonna see T.O. on the highlight reel this season? He's not doin' too well!"
"And did you see him get reamed by that bucket of popcorn? Poor guy."
..............................................................................................

DENVER BRONCOS VS. OAKLAND RAIDERS:
Denver crushed the Raiders. The Raiders only scored 3 measly points. QB Jamarcus Russell had an awful game, passing for 61 yards. This is very bad. To give you a reference, remember Kevin Kolb (Eagles QB) who threw for 391 yards.

What to say to a dude:
"Wow, that Jamarcus Russell is painful to watch--only 61 yards? That's just embarrassing."
................................................................................................

ARIZONA CARDINALS VS. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS:
As usual, Colts QB Peyton Manning destroyed the competition--in this case Kurt Warner's Cardinals. He completed 379 yards and threw 4 touchdowns. Personally, I thought the most interesting thing about the game was the Cardinals stadium. They have a fully retractable field that they slide out one end when the games are done, let it get some sun, have a concert or two then slide it back in for the next game! Watch a really cool video here.

What to say to a dude:
"Manning was pretty much unstoppable...as usual."
Advanced:
"That's the 18th time he's completed 4 touchdowns in one game. He beat Johnny Unitas' record....think he'll catch up to (Dan) Marino or (Brett) Favre?"
Silly:
"And did you see that amazing retractable field? So cool! Most domes can't have real grass."
....................................................................................
Only one more thing of note:
The Seattle Seahawks had a complete fashion "don't" this week with their hideous, neon green uniforms. Please look here--you may have to sheild your eyes. What were they thinking???
You may ask that to anyone. Please let me know if anyone gives you an acceptable answer.

Have fun and good luck!

Sunday In a Nutshell: Week 3

Here we go again! Happy Sunday, everyone.

Morning Games to watch:

DETROIT LIONS VS. WASHINGTON REDSKINS:
We just want to see if the Lions can finally win one in our child's lifetime.

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS VS. MINNESOTA VIKINGS:
Match up of two undefeated teams with great RUNNING BACKS. "All Day" Adrian Peterson of the Vikings and Frank Gore of the 49ers. And, of course, Vikings QB Brett Favre will be playing. It will be interesting to see how the Vikings play against an incredibly tough and stingy SF Defense.

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS VS ATLANTA FALCONS:
These are two teams predicted to at least make the playoffs this year. We’ll see how Tom Brady and his team bounce back after a tough loss against the Jets--remember how they couldn't score a single TD last week? We will keep an eye on Falcons RB Michael Turner who is one of the premiere RUNNING BACKS in the league. Second Year QB Matt Ryan has lead the falcons to two wins in the first two weeks of the season….can he make it three?

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS VS PHILADELPHIA EAGLES:
While Michael Vick is not starting in place of injured Eagles QB Donavan McNabb it is said that he might see some action in his first game back since 2006. Keep an eye out for him--and for the protesters.


Afternoon Games to watch:

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS VS. BUFFALO BILLS:
The high-powered Saints offense will go into Buffalo to keep their undefeated season going. Drew Brees looks like he has no intention of slowing down. The Buffalo Bills suffered a tough loss in week 1 on a last minute TD thrown by Tom Brady but they bounced back to win in week 2. Bills WR Terrell Owens hasn’t made many highlights so far but look for him to have a breakout game really soon.

DENVER BRONCOS VS. OAKLAND RAIDERS:
These teams HATE each other. The games are always dirty with many fights, on the field and in the stands. Neither team looks very good at the moment but it should be a hard fought game with some good fighting going on during the game. Raiders QB Jamarcus Russell isn't living up to the hype. Let's see if he can do any better today.

MIAMI DOLPHINS VS. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS:
Miami is 0-2 but looked pretty good on Monday night against the Colts. We’ll be watching for that "Wildcat offense" that they run so effectively with RB Ronnie Brown (more about that next week). The Chargers lost last week on a last minute stop by Ray Lewis and the Baltimore Ravens defense so lets see if the Chargers can bounce back.

Night Game:

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS VS. ARIZONA CARDINALS:
This is a match up of two great QBs: Colts' Payton Manning and Cardinals' Kurt Warner. We will also be watching Fitz to see if he will finally feel the Madden curse. This should be an exciting and action packed Sunday night game.

Good luck everyone!

Friday, September 25, 2009

Meet Your Running Backs: Kevin Costner and Whitney Houston!

That's right, Kevin Costner and Whitney Houston, but in order for us to get all the way down that road, we have to take an itty bitty detour and learn about the OFFENSE, or, "the guys with the ball." (Don't worry! It's mostly pictures.)

Welcome back to the football field! (Click on the links to revisit previous posts) The offense and the defense are lined up on either side of the LINE OF SCRIMMAGE (represented by that blue line that you see on the screen when you watch the games on TV):We've gone over the QUARTERBACK position. Remember he's the heroic golden boy of the offense. He is represented by the circle with the little star in the middle:
He lines up behind the ginormous guys right up against the line of scrimmage--they are the OFFENSIVE LINE. Basically, all you need to know about them is that they are gigantic meat head dudes who protect the QB by blocking all of those angry "X" guys on the other side who want to rip the poor QB's head off. Here are their names in case anyone asks, otherwise, don't worry about it:

The blue guys way out on either side of the offensive line are the WIDE RECEIVERS. We'll deal with them later--just get a feel for where everyone is lining up.And now we come to our stars of the evening! The RUNNING BACKS.

There are 2 of them--one is the FULL BACK, lined up behind the QB, and the HALF BACK, lined up behind him. When the play starts, the ball is hiked to the QB, who then has a few options. He tries to either throw it down field to the wide receivers (who catch, or "receive" the ball) or hand it/pass it to the HALF BACK who runs it (hence the term "Running Back." They run.) down the field toward the other teams endzone. Don't worry, it will all come together in a sec, I promise.

SO, the HALF BACK is another type of Golden Child. Shall we say like someone who has recently made a.................COME BACK?

Someone, like, say...............Whitney Houston? Hmmmm?
That's right, ladies! She is the one in the very back being protected by her BODYGUARD, the FULL BACK (Kevin Costner). Generally, the FULL BACK is a bigger, blocking running back who protects the HALF BACK from getting tackled. The HALF BACK (Whitney) can then grab the ball from the QB and proceed to run through the line to the other teams endzone.

Are we getting this? Good.

A few more things to know:

Remember that the sole job of the OFFENSIVE LINE is to block the "X" guys right across from them and create "holes" for the "backs" to get through. (QUARTERBACKS and RUNNING BACKS) And why are they called "backs" at all? It simply means that they all reside "back" behind the line of scrimmage.

The HALF BACKS (or the Whitneys) touch the ball (ie-grab it and run with it) about 30 times per game. This is a big deal because there are probably only about 50-60 touches in the entire game. You'll hear about these guys a lot.

Now, who do we know that is a famous HALF BACK, you ask? Why, it's our man "All Day" Adrian Peterson of the Minnesota Vikings!! Watch for him next time he plays. Now you'll know what the heck is going on!

These guys get systematically pummeled over and over and over again and therefore have very short career life expectancies. You won't see any RB as "old" as Brett Favre out there on the field. They will have long since retired or gotten injured. They are the ones you see on TV with dirty uniforms and pieces of grass sticking up out of their helmet--usually because someone has slammed their head into the ground. Multiple times.

Sometimes, HALF BACKS are called TAIL BACKS. Who knows why. If you want, maybe you can think of Whitney as a "PIECE OF TAIL BACK." Hey, whatever helps you remember, right?

Although FULL BACKS have a pretty thankless job, sometimes the QB gives them the ball. Why bother? Well, this only happens on "short yardage plays" meaning it's 3rd down and 1 yard to go. (Or "3rd and 1") Click here for a refresher on "downs." If there is only 1 yard to go to get the first down, they expect Kevin to morph into Bobby Brown and simply plow through the line or sometimes even catapult themselves right over it.

Whitney would be much to delicate for that. Can you imagine?

.

Meet Your Running Backs: Kevin Costner and Whitney Houston!

That's right, Kevin Costner and Whitney Houston, but in order for us to get all the way down that road, we have to take an itty bitty detour and learn about the OFFENSE, or, "the guys with the ball." (Don't worry! It's mostly pictures.)

Welcome back to the football field! (Click on the links to revisit previous posts) The offense and the defense are lined up on either side of the LINE OF SCRIMMAGE (represented by that blue line that you see on the screen when you watch the games on TV):We've gone over the QUARTERBACK position. Remember he's the heroic golden boy of the offense. He is represented by the circle with the little star in the middle:
He lines up behind the ginormous guys right up against the line of scrimmage--they are the OFFENSIVE LINE. Basically, all you need to know about them is that they are gigantic meat head dudes who protect the QB by blocking all of those angry "X" guys on the other side who want to rip the poor QB's head off. Here are their names in case anyone asks, otherwise, don't worry about it:

The blue guys way out on either side of the offensive line are the WIDE RECEIVERS. We'll deal with them later--just get a feel for where everyone is lining up.And now we come to our stars of the evening! The RUNNING BACKS.

There are 2 of them--one is the FULL BACK, lined up behind the QB, and the HALF BACK, lined up behind him. When the play starts, the ball is hiked to the QB, who then has a few options. He tries to either throw it down field to the wide receivers (who catch, or "receive" the ball) or hand it/pass it to the HALF BACK who runs it (hence the term "Running Back." They run.) down the field toward the other teams endzone. Don't worry, it will all come together in a sec, I promise.

SO, the HALF BACK is another type of Golden Child. Shall we say like someone who has recently made a.................COME BACK?

Someone, like, say...............Whitney Houston? Hmmmm?
That's right, ladies! She is the one in the very back being protected by her BODYGUARD, the FULL BACK (Kevin Costner). Generally, the FULL BACK is a bigger, blocking running back who protects the HALF BACK from getting tackled. The HALF BACK (Whitney) can then grab the ball from the QB and proceed to run through the line to the other teams endzone.

Are we getting this? Good.

A few more things to know:

Remember that the sole job of the OFFENSIVE LINE is to block the "X" guys right across from them and create "holes" for the "backs" to get through. (QUARTERBACKS and RUNNING BACKS) And why are they called "backs" at all? It simply means that they all reside "back" behind the line of scrimmage.

The HALF BACKS (or the Whitneys) touch the ball (ie-grab it and run with it) about 30 times per game. This is a big deal because there are probably only about 50-60 touches in the entire game. You'll hear about these guys a lot.

Now, who do we know that is a famous HALF BACK, you ask? Why, it's our man "All Day" Adrian Peterson of the Minnesota Vikings!! Watch for him next time he plays. Now you'll know what the heck is going on!

These guys get systematically pummeled over and over and over again and therefore have very short career life expectancies. You won't see any RB as "old" as Brett Favre out there on the field. They will have long since retired or gotten injured. They are the ones you see on TV with dirty uniforms and pieces of grass sticking up out of their helmet--usually because someone has slammed their head into the ground. Multiple times.

Sometimes, HALF BACKS are called TAIL BACKS. Who knows why. If you want, maybe you can think of Whitney as a "PIECE OF TAIL BACK." Hey, whatever helps you remember, right?

Although FULL BACKS have a pretty thankless job, sometimes the QB gives them the ball. Why bother? Well, this only happens on "short yardage plays" meaning it's 3rd down and 1 yard to go. (Or "3rd and 1") Click here for a refresher on "downs." If there is only 1 yard to go to get the first down, they expect Kevin to morph into Bobby Brown and simply plow through the line or sometimes even catapult themselves right over it.

Whitney would be much to delicate for that. Can you imagine?

Look out for Sunday: In a Nutshell (Week 3) on Sunday morning to prepare yourself for gameday! Until next time...

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Week 2: What Happened?

MINNESOTA VIKINGS VS. DETROIT LIONS:
Ok, now....I mean....this is awkward. The Lions have now been losing for longer than my 15 month old daughter has been alive. 19 games in a row. 21 months. Alright, so they DID play against Brett Favre and our man, Adrian Peterson, but still. I'm guessing they are desperately trying not to tie the record of most losses in a row (26) by the Tampa Bay Bucs in 1967-77.

Another record that was broken is what I like to call the "Perfect Attendance" award by Brett Favre. Although he has retired twice now (but never during the actual season), he has started for 271 consecutive games. Ok, let's break that down. HE HASN'T MISSED A GAME SINCE 1992!! Damn.

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS VS. NY JETS:
So, basically, the Jets and their rookie QB--Mark Sanchez--outplayed Tom Brady and his Patriots. The score was 16-9, but New England wasn't able to score a single touchdown, only 3 field goals for 3 points each. The most interesting thing about this game is that the Jets' coach, Rex Ryan (isn't that the best name? It's so "comic book villain"), actually called season ticket holders and left a voicemail telling them to "be loud" during the game so it would confuse and hinder the Patriots offense. Apparently it worked.

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS VS. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES:
With no Donovan McNabb (he's out with a cracked rib) and Michael Vick not eligible until next Sunday, the Eagles went with Kevin Kolb to lead the team. Unfortunately the other team had Drew Brees, the guy said to be possibly the best QB in the league right now (remember his 6 touchdowns last week). Kolb did well, but he also threw 3 interceptions. On the other side Brees' 3 TDs helped lead the Saints to victory (48-22).

Reggie Bush, Kim Kardashians’s (on-again) BF, got his first rushing TD of the season. We will be keeping a watch on the Saints high powered offense but also looking at the Eagles to see if McNabb can play next week. If not, will Michael Vick get the start....and draw a few anti-Vick protesters to the stadium. (A few signs this week included “Do pitbulls bleed green?” and “My dog hates Vick.")

PITTSBURGH STEELERS VS. CHICAGO BEARS:
This was a battle of tough defenses. 17-14 isn’t the most exciting score but the 4th quarter was where all of the fireworks happened. Jay Cutler and his Bears were down 14-7. With 6 minutes left Butler passed the ball to Jonny Knox for a TD. Chicago was able to get the ball back and with 15 seconds they kicked a field goal to win the game and our little Gay Butler earned his first victory as the Chicago Bears QB.

NEW YORK GIANTS VS. DALLAS COWBOYS:

This was the game everyone was waiting for--and it did not disappoint! The new Dallas stadium is truly unbelievable. The celebrities were out in full swing--did you see George Bush rubbing elbows with John Madden? I wonder if they were discussing Turduckens? The GIGANTIC tv screen (at 72 feet wide I believe it is longer than our whole house) wasn’t hit by any footballs but a few came close. Um, so did no one think of this when they designed the stadium? I'm guessing the (guy) designers became so excited by the gigantor TV that they forgot to factor this in. Typical.)

The Giants pulled out a win 33-31. (Poor Cowboys) People were excited to see a showdown between two of the top QBs in Eli Manning (Paytons bro) and Tony Romo (Jessica Simpsons Ex). Eli had the better game by a long shot. He passed for 330 yards and 2 TDs to Romo’s paltry 127 yards, 1 TD and 3 interceptions. Luckily the Dallas Cowboys Running backs (RB's) had good games against a tough New York defense (Remember Osi Umenyiora). 105,000 + fans watched as Eli Manning calmly marched his team down the field and the Giants kicked a field goal with the clock expiring to win the game.

Things to note:
The Giants are without their star Wide Receiver (WR) Plaxico Burress who is suspended due to legal issues (he shot himself in the leg with an unlicensed gun in an NYC club, a crime punishable by possible jail time in the state of New York. Idiot.) but the young WR's Steve Smith and Mario Manningham both had 10 catches for over 100 yards and each had a TD.

Other stuff:
"Madden Watch"--the Arizona Cardinals beat the Jacksonville Jaguars and Larry "Fitz" Fitzgerald is still not hurt.

***A note on blog timing: I have now fixed the time when the blog is sent out to subscribers (to become a subscriber, enter your email address in the box on the top right hand side of the blog). Next week, the Monday morning post will actually arrive IN THE MORNING. Hooray!***

That's all for now, until next time!

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Sunday: In a Nutshell (Week 2)

It's that time again, ladies! Sunday is upon us. Are we all excited? I thought so. Let's get down to it. Here are the games we'll be watching on Sunday:

MORNING GAMES (10am Pacific/1pm Eastern):

MINNESOTA VIKINGS VS. DETROIT LIONS:

I'll bet you know where this is going by now. Dearest Detroit, wilst thou FINALLY win a game? It's getting pretty ugly at this point. We'll also see Brett Favre playing against a weak Lions defense--he could kick some serious butt. Plus, we'll see Adrian Peterson (nicknamed "A.D." for "All Day"). We remember him, right? Pretty much the best player in the NFL right now.

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS VS. NY JETS:
Huge rivalry. These two teams always seem to have exciting games.

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS VS. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES:
Saints QB Drew Brees threw for 6 touchdowns last week. This is an incredible number. Now everyone's watching to see if he can do the same this week. No pressure or anything.
Eagles QB Donovan Mc Nabb is hurt but they cant play Michael Vick until week 3 because he's still on suspension. They will have to either start Kevin Kolb (most likely) or Jeff Garcia. Jeff Garcia just joined the team, but in order to make room for him on the roster, they cut poor Kendra (from The Girls Next Door) Wilkinson's new hubby Hank Basket from the team.

AFTERNOON GAMES (1:15pm Pacific/4:15pm Eastern):

PITTSBURGH STEELERS VS. CHICAGO BEARS:
Let's see how Gay Butler (I'm sorry, its just so much fun to say. I know that you know his real name is Jay Cutler) handles an incredibly tough Pittsburgh Defense. We'll see how Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger does against a tough (but not as tough as the Steelers) Bears defense.

NIGHT GAME (5:20pm Pacific/8:20pm Eastern):


NEW YORK GIANTS VS. DALLAS COWBOYS:

First game in the CRAZY new Dallas stadium. Definitely read a bit about it HERE. Everything's bigger in Texas--including the $1.15 Billion price tag. Yes, that's "billion." With a "B". Sure we'll all be watching to see how Eli Manning plays against the Cowboys and how Tony Romo plays against the Giants, but my prediction is that the most exciting part of this game will probably be the stadium.

Alright, that's it for now. Stay tuned for highlights of Sunday's games and what to say on Monday morning.

Until next time!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Fantasy Football: Kinda Like Playing Barbies

Remember back, if you will, to when you went over to your friends' house to play barbies. Maybe you brought your own, maybe you played with theirs. Usually the host provided the settings (Barbie Corvette, Barbie Malibu Dream House, Barbie Surf Shop) and perhaps some snacks. Then the "playing" began--which, from what I remember--consisted of setting things up for a couple of hours, playing for five minutes, and then going home. This, my friends, is Girl Fantasy Football. How can this be, you ask? Allow me to explain.

A couple of weeks ago, I had the opportunity to sit in on a "live" Fantasy Football draft. My husband and his buddies all gathered at a friend's house (and they all arrived PERFECTLY on time I might add). Perfectly on time, super serious, and yet unabashedly giddy.

Now, when I say giddy, I'm not kidding. Guys are walking in screaming things like "Fantasy Draft 2009! Yeah!" Beers are cracking open left and right. Trash talking is rampant. If there had been more room, they would have run around the room pounding on their chests like monkeys.

Here's the scene as it settles: 10 guys sit in a circle with a piece of poster board up at the front. One stands at the poster board to write things down. Another guy is being conferenced in, meaning that someone has him on the phone--a headset, mind you--from Minnesota as he cannot be there for the draft. We'll call him Ted. The guy with the headset--let's call him Scott--is literally giving Ted the play-by-play of what is going on in the room as it's happening. I think this is nuts until I hear that Ted has no cell reception where he is staying in Minnesota so he had to DRIVE 45 MINUTES to sit in a parking lot and THEN be conferenced in. This is devotion.

As the group draws names out of a hat for the selection order, I realize that I am witnessing a scene very few women ever get to see. I look around. Toes are tapping, knees are bopping up and down. I hear giggling. The excitement is palpable.

I try to think what on EARTH this equates to in girl world. The only thing it reminds me of is the energy you feel when a group of girls are getting ready to go out for the night after they haven't seen each other in a while--gossiping, having cocktails, trash-talking people in the tabloids, giggling. Imagine a group of guys acting like that. HI-larious.

Now imagine that instead of going out for the night, you all pick Barbies out of a bucket (who happen to represent said people in tabloids) and then set them up all in a row, write down who has which Barbie and trash talk the other girls. This is Fantasy Football!

Basically, every guy now becomes a "coach" of their own "fantasy" team (Barbie squadron)--as in, if you could pick whoever you wanted out of ALLLLLLL the players from ALLLLL the teams (in the bucket), who would you choose? This is a little complicated by the fact that everyone else is probably trying to choose some of the same great players (best barbies), but I guess that's the excitement of it. At the end of the draft every guy now has his own personal team (usually named the Fart Knockers or something equally ridiculous).

During the season, the Fantasy Teams that are in the same league (those 10 guys) play one-on-one with each other (ie-The Fart Knockers vs. The Bone Heads) each week. This allows for much more personalized trash talking.

The "coaches" must pick players to "start" (play at the Malibu Beach House) or "bench" (stay home) certain players in each category. Every time a player does something like scores a touchdown (wins a race in the Barbie Corvette, scores a date with Ken) in REAL LIFE, the FANTASY team earns points. So, the fantasy teams' score depends on what the actual players do in Sunday's (or Monday's or Thursday's) games.

On the other hand, if you DON'T start someone who ends up having a really great game (you picked Paris Barbie to stay home when in reality, she rocked it out at the beach house), you miss out on the points. Are we getting this?

So back to the draft...as the picks begin, everyone gets anxious and starts yelling at the one who's turn it is to "Hurry up!", "Gooooo!". It feels like being trapped in a bad drinking game when people aren't paying attention. "It's your tuuuuuuuuurn!"

Things continue on in this fashion until everyone's Barbies are out of the bucket.

Now, you can begin to see why guys watch ALL of the games instead of just their home team's game. It's because, annoyingly, they now have to pay attention to players on lots of teams in order to keep track of their fantasy team. And, of course, it's rare that someone has just one Fantasy team--for instance, my husband has three.
I mean, it's kind of like a full time job at that point, right?

In any case, it was an experience I won't soon forget. Now I have to go play with my Barbies.

Until next time!

Fantasy Football: Kinda Like Playing Barbies

Remember back, if you will, to when you went over to your friends' house to play barbies. Maybe you brought your own, maybe you played with theirs. Usually the host provided the settings (Barbie Corvette, Barbie Malibu Dream House, Barbie Surf Shop) and perhaps some snacks. Then the "playing" began--which, from what I remember--consisted of setting things up for a couple of hours, playing for five minutes, and then going home. This, my friends, is Girl Fantasy Football. How can this be, you ask? Allow me to explain.

A couple of weeks ago, I had the opportunity to sit in on a "live" Fantasy Football draft. My husband and his buddies all gathered at a friend's house (and they all arrived PERFECTLY on time I might add). Perfectly on time, super serious, and yet unabashedly giddy.

Now, when I say giddy, I'm not kidding. Guys are walking in screaming things like "Fantasy Draft 2009! Yeah!" Beers are cracking open left and right. Trash talking is rampant. If there had been more room, they would have run around the room pounding on their chests like monkeys.

Here's the scene as it settles: 10 guys sit in a circle with a piece of poster board up at the front. One stands at the poster board to write things down. Another guy is being conferenced in, meaning that someone has him on the phone--a headset, mind you--from Minnesota as he cannot be there for the draft. We'll call him Ted. The guy with the headset--let's call him Scott--is literally giving Ted the play-by-play of what is going on in the room as it's happening. I think this is nuts until I hear that Ted has no cell reception where he is staying in Minnesota so he had to DRIVE 45 MINUTES to sit in a parking lot and THEN be conferenced in. This is devotion.

As the group draws names out of a hat for the selection order, I realize that I am witnessing a scene very few women ever get to see. I look around. Toes are tapping, knees are bopping up and down. I hear giggling. The excitement is palpable.

I try to think what on EARTH this equates to in girl world. The only thing it reminds me of is the energy you feel when a group of girls are getting ready to go out for the night after they haven't seen each other in a while--gossiping, having cocktails, trash-talking people in the tabloids, giggling. Imagine a group of guys acting like that. HI-larious.

Now imagine that instead of going out for the night, you all pick Barbies out of a bucket (who happen to represent said people in tabloids) and then set them up all in a row, write down who has which Barbie and trash talk the other girls. This is Fantasy Football!

Basically, every guy now becomes a "coach" of their own "fantasy" team (Barbie squadron)--as in, if you could pick whoever you wanted out of ALLLLLLL the players from ALLLLL the teams (in the bucket), who would you choose? This is a little complicated by the fact that everyone else is probably trying to choose some of the same great players (best barbies), but I guess that's the excitement of it. At the end of the draft every guy now has his own personal team (usually named the Fart Knockers or something equally ridiculous).

During the season, the Fantasy Teams that are in the same league (those 10 guys) play one-on-one with each other (ie-The Fart Knockers vs. The Bone Heads) each week. This allows for much more personalized trash talking.

The "coaches" must pick players to "start" (play at the Malibu Beach House) or "bench" (stay home) certain players in each category. Every time a player does something like scores a touchdown (wins a race in the Barbie Corvette, scores a date with Ken) in REAL LIFE, the FANTASY team earns points. So, the fantasy teams' score depends on what the actual players do in Sunday's (or Monday's or Thursday's) games.

On the other hand, if you DON'T start someone who ends up having a really great game (you picked Paris Barbie to stay home when in reality, she rocked it out at the beach house), you miss out on the points. Are we getting this?

So back to the draft...as the picks begin, everyone gets anxious and starts yelling at the one who's turn it is to "Hurry up!", "Gooooo!". It feels like being trapped in a bad drinking game when people aren't paying attention. "It's your tuuuuuuuuurn!"

Things continue on in this fashion until everyone's Barbies are out of the bucket.

Now, you can begin to see why guys watch ALL of the games instead of just their home team's game. It's because, annoyingly, they now have to pay attention to players on lots of teams in order to keep track of their fantasy team. And, of course, it's rare that someone has just one Fantasy team--for instance, my husband has three.
I mean, it's kind of like a full time job at that point, right?

In any case, it was an experience I won't soon forget. Now I have to go play with my Barbies.

Love,



Monday, September 14, 2009

Week 1. What happened?

Ok, all...how did we fare yesterday? I know from reading my hilarious friends' Facebook posts that some hate football, some love football, and some of them were held against their will at sports bars at 10am. I've decided that football is, in fact, a very polarizing issue! So here we go. I've tried to link to videos of highlights when applicable since its much easier to see plays once they've been described to you.

Let's start with the games we were watching on Saturday:

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES VS. CAROLINA PANTHERS:
Philly destroyed Carolina. Carolina QB Jake Delhomme threw 4 interceptions (This is very bad. It means he was trying to throw the ball to his teammates and instead somehow the other team got the ball. Four times. Not good.). Donovan McNabb (QB for Philly) had a pretty good game but broke a rib and is questionable for next Sunday. Michael Vick is still suspended for two more games so he will not get to play with McNabb out. Presumably, he didn't kill any dogs.

MINNESOTA VIKINGS VS. CLEVELAND BROWNS:

Brett Favre won his first game as a Viking but didn’t play very well. Player to watch: Adrian Peterson, running back (RB) on Minnesota. He is considered the BEST PLAYER IN THE NFL, and the obvious first pick in most fantasy leagues. Seriously, remember this guy's name. ADRIAN PETERSON. MINNESOTA VIKINGS. BEST PLAYER. If you want to impress your crazy-about-fantasy-football husband, say, "So who got Adrian Peterson in your Fantasy draft?" If it's him, gush appropriately.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lrhBXbVmrWc
And did you get a look at Brady Quinn? Hmmmm?

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS VS. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS:

Payton Manning won but it was close. He only threw 1 TD but had 300 yards passing. (this means that when he throws the ball and someone else catches it, the number of yards he threw it PLUS however many yards the guy ran with it are counted in this "yards passing" number. It also counts in the catching guy's stats. Confusing, I know.) Reggie Wayne, wide receiver (WR) for Indianapolis, was the player to watch. 10 Catches for 162 yards and a TD.

DETROIT LIONS VS. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS:
If you know somebody from Detroit, they are probably crying in their coffee today--still no win for the Lions. Being the worst team in the league gets you the #1 draft pick for the next year. This was Matthew Stafford, QB for Detroit. He threw 3 interceptions (remember that this is BAD. Maybe the Lions are cursed?).
Drew Brees for the Saints threw for 6 TOUCHDOWNS! One less than the record for most TDs in a game. Huge game. He will be a player to watch all season.

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS VS. ARIZONA CARDINALS:
49ers beat the super bowl losers. Looks like they ARE gonna cry about it. Arizona ’s offense looked awful and the 49ers defense looked great. Arizona looks like they have the super bowl losing hangover that many teams get after losing the super bowl.
As for the "Madden Curse," Fitz is still alive and kicking--for now.

WASHINGTON REDSKINS VS. NEW YORK GIANTS:
Eli Manning (Payton’s well paid brother) and his Giants won. The Redskins paid $100 million for defense player Albert Haynesworth who did not make much of an impact. Giants defensive player Osi Umenyiora (you're on your own with that one), who missed the whole season last year, scored a touchdown on a fumble.

CHICAGO BEARS VS. GREEN BAY PACKERS:
Gay Butler--sorry--Jay Cutler, lost in his debut as the Bears QB. He threw 4 interceptions (not good). But the Bears lost with only 1 minute left in the game so even though Cutler played terribly, the Bears had a chance to win. Brian Urlacher, Defensive player for Chicago and ex-boyfriend of Paris Hilton, dislocated his wrist and could possibly be out for the rest of the season.

There was a great PLAY ACTION pass at the end of the game from Aaron Rodgers to Greg Jennings. PLAY ACTION is a phrase you'll hear a lot. It means that when the ball is snapped, the QB FAKES the hand off to another player and instead throws the ball down field to a waiting receiver. If the fake is done well, the defenders start to move forward, towards the guy they think has the ball. In reality, the ball is now
going the totally other direction, high over their heads and they have to scramble to get back on track. Watch here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OkvwtLoh6LU

And now for the rest:

MIAMI DOLPHINS VS. ATLANTA FALCONS:
Atlanta beat Miami. Miami looked pretty bad--looks like the Kardashian sisters are the ones to watch in this town! Atlanta is a contender to be the best in the NFC (this week we'll go over the difference between NFC and AFC. Right now you'll just sound like a rockstar if you mention it.) Players to watch: Matt Ryan is the QB for Atlanta and is in his 2nd year.

BALTIMORE RAVENS VS. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS:

The game was tied 24-24 with 5 minutes left. Baltimore scored 2 TDs to win the game. The game was closer than most predicted especially because Kansas City ’s QB Matt Cassel who was Tom Brady’s replacement last year in New England is injured and not playing. Baltimore lost to Pittsburg to get into the super bowl last season.
Players to Watch: Joe Flacco, second year QB for Baltimore.

CINCINNATI BENGALS VS. DENVER BRONCOS:
The game was slow and low scoring. With 38 seconds left Cincinnati scored a TD to take the lead 7-6. Denver got the ball back and had a miraculous 87 yard play to win the game 12-7.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KB3AVlM5itI

NEW YORK JETS VS. HOUSTON TEXANS:
Rookie QB Mark Sanchez won his first game as a pro. Houston is supposed to be good this year but looked awful against the Jets. Jets RB Thomas Jones had over 100 yards rushing (when the player takes the "handoff" from the QB and runs, or rushes, it down the field) and 2 TDs.

DALLAS COWBOYS VS. TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS:

Tony Romo won, threw 3 TDs and over 300 yards so it looks like dumping Jessica Simpson and Terrell Owens (TO) going to the Buffalo Bills made no difference to him. Tampa Bay ’s RB Carnell “Cadillac” Williams had a good game--he hasn’t played in a few years due to a terrible injury. Link below but not for the squeamish
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XSiZMEDGfnw

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS VS. ST. LOUIS RAMS:
The Rams looked terrible and could be the worst team in the league (we’ll have to see how the Raiders play tonight) Seahawks' Matt Hasselbeck, who’s brother Tim is married to Elizabeth Hasselbeck of the View, had a good game after coming back from a major injury last season.

Whew! We did it. Now everyone is gearing up for Monday's not one, but TWO games tonight. (This is new this season.) More about those games coming up!

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Sunday: In a Nutshell

There are 13 games this Sunday.
That is a lot of games.
Luckily, most of them are on at the same time and you have me to help you.
Don't panic.

There are nine games in the morning, three in the afternoon and one at night. These are the games everyone will be talking about and why:

MORNING GAMES (10am Pacific/1pm Eastern):


PHILADELPHIA EAGLES VS. CAROLINA PANTHERS
Generally expected to be a good game all around. Michael Vick (Eagles) will not be playing--hopefully, he will also not be killing dogs.

MINNESOTA VIKINGS VS. CLEVELAND BROWNS
Brett Favre's first game back since 2nd retirement. Will he last this time or be forever exiled to the Ben Gay commercial hall of fame?

The Browns have decided to start Brady Quinn as their QB instead of Derek Anderson. I have my own theory as to why this happened. Click on Derek....and then Brady....and you tell me. Poor Derek Anderson. It's not his fault.

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS VS. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

Everybody loves Peyton Manning.

DETROIT LIONS VS. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS

Detroit lost EVERY SINGLE GAME last year. Now that is just sad. Here's your chance to shout, "C'mon, kiddos! Let's get it together!" or something to that effect.

AFTERNOON GAMES (1:15pm Pacific/4:15pm Eastern):


SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS VS. ARIZONA CARDINALS
The Cardinals played against the Pittsburgh Steelers (you remember them as the winners of Thursday's game) in last year's Superbowl. They didn't win. Everyone's waiting to see if they'll cry about it.

And don't forget about the so-called "Madden Curse." We'll all be watching Larry Fitzgerald try desperately hard not to get injured. I managed to find an actual list of who's been on the video game cover and what's happened to them. (I know, people actually write this stuff down!?) I'm guessing Larry is a wee bit paranoid at this point. I'm sure everyone staring at him and gasping every time he stumbles will totally help his chances.

WASHINGTON REDSKINS VS. NEW YORK GIANTS
Peyton Manning's little brother, Eli (who beat Tom Brady in the Superbowl two years ago) just signed an ENORMOUS deal with the Giants (he's a QB as well). Now he's just as rich as Peyton. And just as awkward looking.

NIGHT GAME (5:20pm Pacific/8:20pm Eastern):


CHICAGO BEARS VS. GREEN BAY PACKERS
Two great teams. The Bears just signed a new QB named Jay Cutler, or, as my husband and his friends call him, "Gay Butler." Now, don't ask me why (I'm assured there is no reason), but I'll bet you'll now remember Mr. Jay Cutler's name for the rest of your life.

And that's it! Highlights will be up late late Sunday night. Next week we'll take a look at a Fantasy Football draft through my eyes and go over a few more positions, sort out the teams, that kind of stuff.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Synopsis of Last Night's Game/What To Say

Ok so the game started off slowly but at the end of the first half both teams scored touchdowns within a minute of each other. During the first half the Tennessee kicker missed one field goal (when a kicking dude kicks the ball through the uprights in the endzone) and had another field goal blocked (6 points total that Tennessee missed out on)

Second half had a lot of back and forth but little scoring. The score was 10-10 with less than 2 minutes left and the Steelers were driving (remember the sitting in traffic analogy?) and within field goal range. They did a pass play where Ben Roethlisberger passed it to wide receiver (WR) Hines Ward who on his way to the endzone had the ball stripped out of his hands and the Tennessee defenders got the ball back. This was a big deal as the Steelers were about to win the game. The game went into overtime (or OT).

In overtime the Steelers got the ball, drove it down the field and kicked a field goal to win.

Sooooo, in the office today (or wherever you may be), try something like this.... "So how about that Steelers win in OT last night, eh? Hines Ward sure got lucky after almost losing the game for the them.”

Also, possibly mention Troy Polamalu click to see a picture (you may have noticed him last night with the RIDICULOUSLY long curly hair. He is on the cover of the new Madden 2010 Football video game. He got hurt last night after playing really well in the first half. People are talking about the “Madden Curse.” Almost every year the player who is on the cover of the Madden game gets injured. Apparently it’s crazy. So Polamalu and a guy on the Cardinals Larry Fitzgerald are on the cover this year. Keep on eye on Fitz this Sunday to see if he’s cursed as well.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

The Big Day!!

Alright everyone, the day is finally here. The day your husbands (and many others) disappear into their own little TV universe, the day you notice that the leaves are changing, the Holidays are about to kick into gear, and that Football Season has, at last, arrived!

If you're anything like me, this day brings a bit of everything: a twinge of excitement, a touch of dread, and a whole lot of cluelessness. Wait, I thought Football was on Sundays? Maybe Monday nights? Nope, sometimes Thursdays as well. It's on tonight at 5:30pm Pacific/8:30 Eastern on NBC.

So let's get right down to it--here's what you need to know for tonight's game:

1) The teams are the Pittsburgh Steelers (as in "we are from Pittsburgh and we make steel". Super random mascot, right?) VS. the Tennessee Titans (I looked it up in the dictionary...titan generally means of enormous size, strength, power, etc. Gigantic. Typical.)

2) Anyway, this is important because the Steelers won the last Superbowl. It's also important because although they did not play against the Titans, the Titans had the best record last year so its kinda the closest thing to a re-match or "do-over" of last year's "big game."

3) Important people: Ben Roethlisberger (now, I dare you to forget a name like that!) QB of the Steelers. Roethlisberger is currently in some hot water after being accused of rape. Oops. Google that one if you want to know more.

4) The reigning defensive player of the year is on the Steelers. His name is James Harrison. (Start trying to pick up on these important names on a game by game basis...especially if you have people around you playing fantasy football. Slowly, you can get a grasp on the "popular" people in school. I mean, the game. ;)

5) The Tennessee Titans won 13 straight games last year. This is a big deal considering there are only 16 regular season games.

6) Titans QB: Vince Young (famous for his college team, the Texas Longhorns' victory against Reggie Bush's USC team in the BCS championship a few years ago. Don't worry about what BCS means. It means college.) Vince Young has since had a nervous breakdown (no, seriously) and his QB spot now belongs to Kerry Collins.

7) Remember that the men in your life are going to be extra amped tonight. There will be beer drinking, there will be yelling at the screen, there will be anxiety. OR, there will be TiVo. :)

8) If you are forced to watch the game against your will, just go with it!! Get excited!! The main thing is to focus on the BALL. AT ALL TIMES. When they all hunch down on their fingertips and the men in the room move to the edge of their seats, resist the urge to comment on the visiting teams "outfits." RESIST, I tell you. (They are UNIFORMS, I've been told more than once. Whatever.) Instead, pay attention! Wiggle your butt to the edge of your own seat and watch that ball as if your life depends on it.

The hard part is that the QB and receivers are trying to trick the other team as to where the ball will go, so alas, sometimes you will get tricked as well. But hang in there! The good news is that the plays never last for more than a few seconds so you can save your outfit comments for the waiting in between plays. I'm sure it will go over much better.

Tune in tomorrow for the highlights of tonight's game/what to say at the office.
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Follow by Email!!