Monday, August 20, 2012

"What happened to your f%#$ing eyebrows?"

Ah, yes. Welcome to my world. I'm sitting here basking in not only The Real Housewives of New Jersey but my new, new favorite show: Hard Knocks (on HBO), which chronicles the 2012 Miami Dolphins training camp. This, I promise you, will explain my slightly offensive blog title.

I've come to realize that girls love a good backstory. Don't just show me a bunch of dudes running into each other over and over again on Sunday. Tell me that #27 used to be homeless and that that Coach over there likes to cross-dress. Woah, I'm sorry, I just woke up. Pass me a beer!

Here's how it goes down...it's a strange mix between
those narrated "Planet Earth" nature shows where the narrator (usually someone like Morgan Freeman) says things like, "These cubs, if not introduced properly to the wild, will surely not survive." You know those shows. Mix that with some slo-mo footage of practices and great music. Then they come at you with the business side of football...which I'm 99% sure you haven't seen. These guys sit there in a very school-like atmosphere, soberly watching football plays. Over and over and over again. It's like, you thought you had it bad with your husband watching football with his friends and some beer. It's a freakin CAREER for these people. You have it great!! I guess I knew that, but I never really THOUGHT about it. It's actually quite fascinating.

Ocho getting the boot...he looks genuinely confused.
We all remember who, as of 5 days ago, was on the Dolphins, right?? That's right... our dear friend Chad Johnson (formerly known as Chad Ochocinco). He gets fired ON THE SHOW!! It actually gives you a great perspective on his role and how football really is a business. Turns out he was already on thin ice a few days before for cursing all the way through a press conference.

Evelyn's on there, too. When she says things like, "We met on Twitter. And he hated me!! And then the hate turned to love." (?) Or when he says, "Yeah, I knew when I paused 'Call of Duty' to talk to her on the phone...I knew she was the One." He claims she withheld sex until he scored a touchdown. And on and on it goes. Situational irony was seriously in effect. My jaw just kept dropping to the floor as I took notes.

This is what your man is watching, my friends. He has his very own Real Housewives.

.......................................................................

That was me being speechless.

Moving on.

Joe Philbin, Head Coach of the Miami Dolphins
The real star of the show is the new coach, Joe Philbin. I also promise that you will fall in love with this guy. Some may say he's boring, but not me. He is a master at wrangling a bunch of gigantic athletes who come from all over the country and are usually hot-headed. He handles (no, maybe a better word would be caresses) them like fine China, subtly bending them to his very mellow will. Exactly how do you reign in a feisty Chad Johnson who curses his way through a press conference? What's it like to fire someone before they even walk on to the field at training camp? And did I mention that this is his first year as a head coach? No? Ok, I was serious when I said you will fall in love with this guy.

Lauren Tannehill
Some other amazing tidbits: Did you know, for instance, that the new guys (rookies) get HAZED? Yes, like they have to sing karaoke in front of their teammates and dye their hair in ridiculous spots and penis shapes. Did you know this? I didn't think so. THIS IS WHAT IS HAPPENING BEHIND THE SCENES AND WE HAD NO IDEA.

At some point in the show, the veterans haze this poor rookie by spontaneously shaving his eyebrows in the locker room. When he shows up at the team meeting, Calm-Ass Zen-Master Coach Philbin deadpans, "So, what happened to your fucking eyebrows?" Cool as a cucumber. Just lets it happen. It's truly as good--if not better--than the aforementioned Housewives.

You'll meet some of the wives like Lauren Tannehill, wife of Ryan Tannehill, who comes with a great backstory of his own.

My point is this. Anything that gets me to care about the players off of the field, gets me that much more intrigued to watch the games every week. And anything that gets me to care more, gets me to watch more. Oh, and I forgot to mention how deliciously satisfying it is to hear them all swear on HBO. I, for one, am damn sick of all of the bleeping I hear on a daily basis. (Did I just out myself for watching really trashy TV? Oops.) The only thing Hard Knocks is missing the loud, splashy graphics of Bravo shows but I guess that's ok.

You should watch it WITH your sports fan..it is vastly more entertaining than a pre-season game that nobody cares about anyway. :)

Enjoy, my friends!

Hard Knocks, HBO, Tuesdays 10pm



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